Sex is usually stimulating, but these games make it painfully awkward to play and watch.
I can still distinctly recall the first time I ever saw a sex scene in a game. It was God of War, and my cousin was letting me play it while he went to the store. I had just beaten the Hydra boss, and was feeling quite proud of myself. Suddenly, the game switched into a bedroom, and I was thrust (subtle wordplay) into a threesome mini-game.
There I am, smashing the buttons to ensure I hump these virtual vixens to the best of my ability, and my aunt walks in. I am not fucking with you. For those who don’t know, your aunt walking in while you are banging two girls at once with times button presses in a video game is one of the most awkward situations you can ever be in, and be immediately grateful that you will never know the shame I felt at that moment.
Though I can understand why sex scenes are in games now (long and the short, games are now competing with movies as the must-see medium for delivering strong narratives and set-piece moments, and sex scenes help to further reiterate that these are games for adults and not children, while also bringing attention and hype), but knowing this makes a great deal of these sex scenes no less awkward to experience. I think we can ALL agree, “sexy” is the last word you would use to describe any of these scenes.
1. Indigo Prophecy
For those who don’t know, Indigo Prophecy came out right around the same time as the first God of War, and was Quantic Dream’s first foray into “quick time events as whole games” genre. The weird part is, as insane as the game was, I really liked it, because it was one of the first games that I had ever played like that (that being, batshit insane QTE’s linked together with insane, “every choice matters” gameplay) and I found it very immersive. I also still truly believe Indigo Prophecy has one of the best opening moments I have ever played in a game (you come to in a public bathroom with a knife in your hand, standing over a dead body, and you need to hide it as a cop walks into the bathroom in split-screen, real-time). It was an original and often tense game that I really liked. Mostly.
You know what I DIDN’T like about Indigo Prophecy?
That weird, awkward, poorly animated sex scene. I understood WHY it was in the game, but it made it no less awkward to “play” it. Quantic Dreams would take the “awkward” one step further with some similar scenes in Heavy Rain, though they worked much more effectively in that game. Unlike this scene.
2. Grand Theft Auto: Hot Coffee Mod
Remember when San Andreas got into some REAL hot water because you could mod the game with the “hot coffee” mod, which lets you have sex with your girlfriends? Well, for the three of you who were compelled enough to download it, it was pretty fucking awkward.
It wasn’t like you were controlling a sex scene from a movie, which I think a great many people thought it would be. Rather, it was like you were demon possessing two animatronic robots from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disney, and make them smash their bodies together. It didn’t look like sex, it didn’t sound like sex, and exactly NOTHING was cool about it.
All you had to do was play it for a minute to realize they didn’t take it out of the game because of controversy (as proven by the rampant sex in GTA 5), they took it out of the game because it sucked, and was super creepy.
3. Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon
Ah, dead set in the middle of the list, the one game that got it right. The one game that knew it HAD to be awkward. The one game that TRIED to make a sex scene that made us all wince. Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon does SO MANY THINGS right, and the weird, 8-bit sex scene is no exception. Yes, it is on this list, but guess what? Unlike these other games, it wants to be. The whole game was a satire of cheesy 80’s action movies, and what did every action hero get in those movies?
So Blood Dragon has a sex scene, right before the end of the game, and it is pure gold. It is well aware that it can’t be sexy, and is well aware that is mocking these very ideals, so what does it do? It goes balls deep into cheesyville, and for that reason alone, may very well be my favorite sex scene in all of gaming, outside of banging Jack in Mass Effect 2. Yes, I just said that.
4. Silent Hill 2
Nowhere on this list does it say the sex in the game actually has to be happening to your character.
In Silent Hill 2, you sit in a closet and watch in terror as Pyramid Head walks into view (this is your first time seeing him) and proceeds to rape some writhing mannequin legs. I use the word “rape” loosely here, because the mannequin legs have no actual mouth, and aren’t actually saying NO, but you can infer from its writhing that it is writhing in opposition.
It is psycho sexual madness like you would never expect in a game, and it gets only more fucked up, later on, when you figure out that Pyramid Head is actually a manifestation of your psycho sexual guilt you feel for killing your sick wife to put her out of her misery. Yeah, total jerk off fuel.
*Inadvertantly weeps onto boner
5. Alpha Protocol
Okay, so no one really played this game besides me and Benny, but if you had, and had you played it and picked enough “nasty ass” conversation choices when you talked to the Sie character, she would eventually rape you. No, you are not reading that wrong. She would actually rape you. All I can say is, for all the times in gaming where woman have been dehumanized in various scenarios, as unsexy as this scene is, it’s about fucking time.
Watch it here and realize, this is, literally, as unsexy as it gets. But, like I said, seems an oddly fitting way to end this list. Take that, patriarchal industry!
Remy Carreiro is, what we like to call special. Not special in the sense that he can float or anything, but special in the sense that the bus that picked him up for school everyday was short. If you like his ramblings, check out RemyCarreiro.com, which is chock full of ugh. You can shoot him an e-mail at RemyCar@gmail.com or tweet him at @RemyCarreiro.