What My GTA V Psych Profile Says About Me


GTA V puts one of its players on the psychologist’s couch and analyzes him based on his in-game deeds.

A pleasant surprise was waiting for me at the end of one of the biggest games of the year. It wasn’t any kind of epic ending or revealing epilogue or anything you’d expect from a Game of the Year contender. It was a simple sheet of virtual paper from Los Santos’ greediest quack psychologist, Dr. Friedlander. The words on it formed a comprehensive analysis/indictment of my personality based on my deeds in San Andreas over the course of the game.

Oh, please. I’m sure it’s just some shallow and humorous satirical list of crap based on my in-game shitty driving and general disregard for authority. Everybody’s like that in Grand Theft Auto! Nope. Rockstar is smarter than that. I don’t know how they did it, but they somehow managed to sort through the general insanity of basic in-game behavior in Grand Theft Auto Vs I actually called my wife into the room to come read it and she was laughing hysterically and hit several nails right on the head, and I don’t even completely know how they did it. I actually called my wife into the room to come read it and she was laughing hysterically at how true some of the statements made about me were.

So let’s get personal today. I’m going to share my psych profile with you and go through it point by point to speculate on how the good doctor came to the conclusion he did and how accurate an assessment each is in relation to my real life behavior and thought processes. Enjoy.

gta psych profile

 Very, very depressing case.

Well screw you too, buddy. I suppose if you take the sum of my ambitionless life as a whole with my almost supernatural bad luck and resulting psychological issues and insecurities, I suppose one could say that. But I don’t subscribe to that view. That’s a piss-poor attitude to have and speaks more to the doctor’s personal pessimism than to my feelings.

 Sees both sides of an argument – and can’t make their mind up.

This one is pretty accurate. I tend to see things in varying shades. I tell people all of the time that if they can’t see both sides of an issue, they do not understand the issue. Very few people are evil for the sake of being evil, there is almost always a reason for their deeds, and I think we should seek to understand those reasons prior to judgement. Then you may shoot them.

There are some instances in-game where you are given choices and I tend to seek compromise where it can be found and often feel bad when I can’t provide a solution. Also, I seldom see the point in distinguishing between the wrong and the wrong.  Dr. Friedlander is on the board.

In love with finding a reason why awful decisions are correct.

This was my wife’s favorite. What they call “awful decisions”, I call “misunderstood integrity”. I’m more than willing to do any amount of harm to myself in the name of something I believe in just for the sake of thinking I did the right thing.What they call “awful decisions”, I call “misunderstood integrity”. It’s admittedly pretty dumb.

I don’t know how they came to that conclusion based on my gameplay, but I’d be hard pressed to deny it. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to go be insubordinate to my incompetent superiors at work to assure my job is as dead-end as possible because I amuses me.

Pointlessly mean with money.

I don’t have very much of it in real life, okay! But that doesn’t really qualify in GTA, where I’m rich, bee-yatch. I suppose it stems from years of old-school RPG-ing where I would blow my hard-earned monster-slaying cash on a shiny new weapon or armour only to find the first chest in the very next dungeon held something better for free.

As a result of this phenomenon, I am loath to spend money in a video game unless it’s to buy something I know I can’t get without paying for it. And even then, I feel like I should hold out until something even better becomes available. In GTA V I’m sweating over whether I REALLY need a flashlight on my gun. I mean, I could totally use that $100 or whatever to get a grenade or something, right?  Except then I don’t buy the grenade either. Guilty as charged.

Voyeuristic.

Pssh, as if…..okay, maybe a little. I mean, I did spend a minute or two looking through Franklin’s telescope thinking I’d be able to see through people’s windows. And I also may have hopped the fence around the in-game Playboy Mansion and stared at the girls until they got uncomfortable and left the premises. So I like to look. Stop judging me, video game!

gta v sex gif

Uses women heartlessly- then again, no sane woman would want to know!

Okay, I’m calling bullshit on this one. The fact is that the game doesn’t give you much choice in how you treat women, and it’s a shame. I would have loved a character like Mallorie in GTA IV that you could build a relationship with, but all they give you are scripted story devices with whores, potential homicide victims, and strippers as the only women you can really interact with. Weak.

Lazy and solipsistic- then again, family is awful.

Lazy…well, I’m sitting here on my computer writing about video games yet again instead of exercising, aren’t I? And as for solipsistic, once again I have no idea how they came up with that, and once again the doc has scored a bullseye.

Solipsism is the belief that your own mind is the only absolute with anything outside of it being unknowable or possibly even just a fabrication. From experience, I tend to believe that presuming to know anyone’s intent but your own is a losing game, but I don’t necessarily believe in the metaphysical extreme. Still, an interesting observation for a video game to make. No comment on the family bit.

Thinks they are the wise type who sees the bigger picture.

Well, I’m shitty at details, so I have to claim some level of philosophical competence! Otherwise, I may as well just sit around picking my nose all day. How GTA V decided this one, I don’t know, but again it’s not wrong. Now that I think about it, the inside of my nostril is feeling kind of itchy…

Prone to random and futile outbursts of violence.

I’m a pacifist in real life, but if venomous curse-filled rants qualify as violence, they’ve got my number again. In-game, I was a fairly good citizen when I wasn’t compelled by the story to wreck shit, but there were occasions where I got bent out of shape and rampaged a la Trevor just for the feeling of an ass against my foot. I HAD AN ITCH! I WAS NOT PICKING IT!

trevor rampage gif

Not as bad a thief as some.

Why thank, you. You are not as bad a psychologist as some.If venomous curse-filled rants qualify as violence, they’ve got my number again.

Tried yoga – stuck to mayhem. Great.

While I have not actually tried yoga irl, this one is still right in spirit. It’s probably best illustrated by my musical tastes. As much as I’ve branched out and expanded my tastes to include classic country, reggae, folk music, and even some pop I usually end up back on Channel X.

Last month I drove across most of California (lengthwise) and back in a day for Iron Maiden’s metal festival, but I’m not seeing Merle Haggard even though he’s practically playing in my backyard soon although I’ve probably listened to more old-school country than metal this year. Pretty much sums up the above statement.

Avoids strenuous exercise. 

Is there any more universal trait for a hardcore gamer? And yeah, in game, I speed to my objective, set up shop, kick the ass, and speed to the next objective without much footwork. No time for love, Doctor Jones!

Easily distracted and eager to try new things, meet new people, cause new trouble!

I did a little of everything in GTA V, but always chose to go do something else rather than linger on any single given activity.You know it! I did a little of everything in GTA V, but always chose to go do something else rather than linger on any single given activity. Same with real life. I transition from one thing to the next pretty quickly, lest I burn myself out. Getting myself to replay games, watch movies, or read books I’ve already finished seems to be getting harder. Onward to new experiences, then.

A.D.D.?

A.D.H. D. if you want to be specific, but an acceptable diagnosis. See above.

Needs a lot of help – as do I!

Don’t we all?

So yeah, in spite of the lack of too many choices and too much depth in the game’s narrative (to sum it up with minimal spoilers: Mike got his family, Frank snatched the gold, Trevor grabbed a lady and a beer that’s cold) Rockstar managed to make a pretty sweet analysis of my personality based on my time in Los Santos. Quite impressive. Now if only they could figure out how this whole newfangled “online” thing works.

For some bonus content to leave you with, I’ve managed to circumvent patient confidentiality and obtain a copy of another gamer’s psychiatric evaluation for comparison purposes. And the subject just happens to be Gamemoir co-founder and all around gaming titan Yesika Reyes. You know you want a peak, and I’m just the kind of jerk to put it on the web for all the world to see, so here you go. Happy judging!

gta psych profile

Pretty much mirrors my experiences with her. So how about it? What was did GTA V have to say about your personality?

About Nick Verboon

I am a guy on the internet who writes stuff sometimes. The stuff I write is here. Try and keep up. I used to write reviews Amazon and other sites under the moniker trashcanman before semi-retiring from my unpaid career for a while. But now I'm back in action writing columns for Unreality and Gamemoir. I'm using this blog as a place to collect my recent output for your convenience. Enjoy!

There are 5 comments

    1. martin

      se pueden volver a repetir las misiones. si se pueden vas apretas star y luego vas partida y ahi aparece cargar partida o guardar partida la ultima opcion hacia abajo aparece misiones entras ahi y tenes toda las misiones por nombre y la haces espera a que se carge

      Like

  1. goseebananafish

    Nick, my profile had no common bullet points with yours and only one with Yesika (hides inadequacies with cash). The most interesting one for me was “Must make sure yoga does not influence their time with me”. I should have had the same money one as you, being and old-school rpg’r myself, but I bought and sold stocks to get the “spend $200M” achievement after the final heist was over. Nice post.

    Like

    1. Nick Verboon

      Cool. I’m really impressed with this little end game treat. I looked at my stats and I only spent maybe $10000-30000 or so per character not counting the properties I bought with Trevor so I’m definitely a cheapskate.

      Like

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